There are lots of parents in the same situation as you in the UK - about 1.7 million according to Gingerbread, the largest support organization for single parents. About 10% of single parents are alone fathers.
There are many positive aspects to lone parenting. As you will be spending lots of time with your child, you will become very close. If you're lucky enough to live close to other members of your family and they are willing to lend a hand, you will have lots of help and support. The main thing to remember is that you are more than able to provide your baby with a loving environment in which to flourish. If your family are far away or unable to support you in practical ways then it will be important for you to get the support of your friends and, perhaps, their families.
Don't be afraid to ask for help
It can be quite easy to become overtired if you are the sole carer, so make sure you get a break as often as you can. Ask a friend to baby-sit, or try to meet other parents with whom you can rotate childminding stints. Your local council may run a subsidized nursery. Accept any offers of help from relatives or friends, and make sure you get enough sleep. If you are working full-time, you will find that childcare is expensive, so it may be worth joining together with other parents to share a childminder or nanny.
Financial implications
Make sure that you are receiving all the financial benefits you are entitled to - you may find that managing on just one or even no salary is hard going. Contact your local DSS office for advice on benefits.
Try to sort out financial arrangements with your ex-partner in an amicable way. If you need any help or advice on child maintenance payments, be sure to contact the Child Support Agency (CSA).
Housing
If you are getting divorced from your partner, both husband and wife have the right to live in the matrimonial home, no matter who owns it, until the divorce is finalized. Also, after separation, you may be granted the right to stay in the home for a period of time. However, once you are divorced, the non-owner will generally lose any rights to live in the house. If you aren't married but living together, you have no rights to live in the house if you do not own it jointly with your partner.
Your local council is obliged to help you if you are a single parent and are unintentionally homeless. They use a points system based on your circumstances to determine your eligibility: the more points you have, the sooner you will be given somewhere to live, although the waiting lists are generally long for everyone. For further information, contact your local Housing Department. You could also try your local Housing Association for more affordable accommodation.
Information for fathers
There's not much difference between being a single mum or a single dad, in terms of what you can and can't do, except, of course, for breastfeeding. However, it is worth sorting out your rights as a dad if you and your partner are unmarried and you are applying for parental responsibility. You will then have virtually the same rights in bringing up the child as a married father would.
Parental responsibility is automatic for married parents, even if divorced, and also for single mothers. If you are not married you can obtain parental responsibility by registering a legally binding written agreement, subject to the mother's consent. If the mother refuses her consent then an unmarried father can seek parental responsibility by making an application to the Court.
Getting along with your ex
If you are becoming a lone parent because you are breaking up with, or divorcing your partner, it can be a highly emotional event. This can make it hard for everyone to act rationally and in the best interest of the child. Try to distance yourself from your anger and hurt to realize that a calm approach to the problem is the best way forward for you and your child.
Many men want to remain actively involved in their child's life after a break-up. It is important that your child maintains contact with both parents, to ensure his emotional bond. When talking about or to your ex-partner in front of your child, take care not to criticize each other. Also, try not to get to the situation where your child idolizes one parent. You are both the child's parents and have a duty to your child to act responsibly.
The parent who lives with the child may resent the other parent not contacting them regularly or not sharing the care of the child, while the other parent may feel at the mercy of the residential parent and having to fit in with their plans. Keep the channels of communications open and try to put your differences aside and put your child first.
If at all possible, try to spend some time together with your child, and continue to keep in contact with grandparents and aunts and uncles on both sides. There's no reason why your child should be deprived of any relationships with his family.
If you are sharing the responsibility of bringing up your child, it is a good idea to:
* Visit your child as regularly as possible
* Telephone, write or leave answer phone messages for him
* Respect the fact that the child has two separate homes now. Try and make sure you have enough clothes and toys at your house so it feels like a second home and he doesn't feel like a guest
* Try not to interfere with the child's relationship with the other parent
* Try to find ways to manage any negative feelings of anger, vindictiveness or bitterness without taking it out on your child
* It is a good idea to maintain a consistent pattern of behaviour and stick to rules that apply in both your households.
* Always try and fulfil any promises you make to your child, or try to give good warning of anything you can't do.
Widowed
After the death of a partner, life can seem an uphill struggle. It is difficult coping with your own grief while maintaining a positive attitude in front of your child. Try to understand the loss from the child's perspective and ensure that the absent parent is spoken of often and with love. Accept all help that is offered by friends and family. There are groups locally for bereavement, which will offer support and enable you to meet other parents who are in a similar situation.
Remember you have a life too!
Try to balance your time spent with your child with some time for yourself - if you are happy, your child will be more likely to be contented too. If you can, get a baby sitter or leave your child with relatives for an evening, so that you can keep your social life alive. Going out and meeting your friends is very important for all parents.
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